dazzling little darling

haven't smoked for about two or three weeks now. havnt been keeping a tally as that would mean pressure.

pleased.

cut down on wine is next on my list : )

This next song is a 40's jazz number.....

Been doing a regular gig in camberwell ever since about mid - October. It's making me so happy, getting paid to get up and sing beautiful songs.

rainy and pretty

its lovely and rainy outside. Jane is on her way round. I am wearing a patch on my arm as i wannna break from smoking. anwyway, i am hungry and cant wait for some pizza. Will go to shops to get some icecream for us all.

Well of coca-cola

D woke me up in the night and we both couldnt get back to sleep. but he was so sweet, he pointed at the sky and told me that i had gone up there; a bad dream I suppose. well, his little face crumbled. I kissed all his little tears away, and then pointed out the big wheel from my bedroom window, which was lit up by cerise lights, and he shouted WOWWOW!!

where to get gigs? anyone know any good places in London where we can perform our blend of jazz/soul/melodic tunes?? really mellow and some great jazz standards in there, like Cry me a river, and My baby just cares!!


x

I am currently enjoying a nice glass of red wine. i have just got D back from his nursery school, bringing him a McDonald's, which he gobbled in his pram all the way back. Well here we are, in our flat, D is watching Horrid Henry, and i am enjoying that glass of red wine. Today was dull. I spent it roaming from room to room (over quite quickly) and thinking that I can't bring myself to take that final step with my novel and send it to the publishers. And what's worse Eastenders isn't on tonight, so i cant even slip into genuine escapist heaven, instead I'll have to deal with real television.

the river

taking D on the way to school today we walked alongside the river again. it was beautiful as always: the metal relics of ancient moorings and the timber rotted by years of serpetine tides.

We made some cakes this evening. YUM. D is going to give some to the neighbours.

I had a brilliant gig at the Mitre on Sunday. Alot of my neighbours turned up, and I did originals and covers.

The Music is all I ever Needed

Thursday 23rd, D called me out on the balcony and started singing me a song, while holding his guitar. Next, I hear Joel calling up. his name isn't actually 'D' by the way.

We all went to the park, me, D, my sister Alice and her two; Amelie (2) and Joel (11)

we went up to the flower garden and fed the ducks, it was late in the day, and the park was mellow and still warm. The deer stood beyond their silent confines too, and we showed them to the children. Alice and I had some rose wine, and drank it in paper cups while the three of them sat in a massive crater a quarter of the way up one of those ancient Greenwich park trees. their three heads poking out was adorable.
The flowers were in bloom amongst the foliage, the large floppy kind, and the smell was an achingly sweet reminder of hte days of my life, and that i was a child once


They all stayed at mine for the night. Alice said it was like a holiday, which to me, felt like a huge compliment to my hosptitality, and my lovely warm, cosy home, with the big trees rustling on one side, and the blossom snowing down on the other.

D has just asked me to play 'pom pom peowww' - which is us firing at each other. Cute.

Anyway ,my gig on Sunday was magical. The whole place came to a stand still, and me and Dan performed perfectly, we really did, it was so smooth there were no mistakes or nerves. Everyone cheered wildly between each song. I am so happy.

just got back from the park. it's sparkling hot. we went to the swings, D on his three wheeler bike. He was on the swing for ages, and when i suggested something else, he just said, 'no' and 'faster'. eventually we went to the sand pit. He helped some kids who were digging a hole, then he got on his bike and cycled about, around and around the pit, and even tried to get it in the sand.

When he went on the roundabout, which he usually just likes to run circles around, he jumped on, and then tried to jump off like one of the bigger kids. But he fell hard on his tummy. He tried it again, and fell again, and when he looked up he looked so confused, it was so sweet, so i told everyone he was a superhero, and one of the kids asked me if his bike was a superhero bike, and i said yes.

Ice creams later, we are back at home and he is playing on the balcony with the next door girl. : )

D watching curious George, while i have a coffee, having a mild inner debate about going to the park.

look at the lovely sky mummy

that is what D says to me, signalling the commencement of our game. I pretend to stare in wonder at the sky, standing entranced on our balcony. Next i hear mad shrieking laughter, and D is cycling on his three wheeler like a tiny hell raiser right for me, and the game is, that i have to notice at the last minute and jump back. To which he explodes in delighted mischievous laughter.

we went to the park yesterday, and on the sunny walk back i let him run bare foot through a rain puddle, it was clear and clean - he stomped, and jumped, and kicked the rain up, then suddenly he knelt down in it, he loved it, this little kid stopped and stared and took a step toward the puddle, and his mum was shouting, 'no you don't, you go near that puddle, we go home RIGHT NOW!' then she said to me, 'after the park maybe, but not before'. So I said to the little kid, 'we are on our way home', and on they went. D was exhilarated and there was a group of older but still little kids on a bench watching him take on these lovely rain puddles that reflected the new green trees, and they were going 'look! look!'.

Good Friday

Me and my brothers and sisters are catholic by default, 'cause of my parents, and none of us has chosen to follow anything else, but no one is properly Catholic either, now, there is a part of me that can't stand religion as i feel that church was thrust in my face with too much sombre rigour, and to resist it was disapproved of with great severity, which is silly, because no matter how holy you are, Church IS boring. Occasionally, it's not.

However, Good Friday has retained a magic for me.

I am gonna take D out for a special breakfast somewhere.

The Music

This morning was lovely, when me and D went out to the shops to get some necessitys, including chocolate cake and daffodils for my window sill, the kind that has an almost lurid orange centre (I forget the word for that bit), the sky was a little grey, but the air had that biting fresh cut to it, that is Easter April. We felt very light spots of rain on our noses. As we walked under a blossom tree, i stopped and told D to look up. Then I plucked him a lone blossom flower and gave it to him, and he held it all the way to the shops in between his little fingers.

Right now he is playing in his tent in the middle of our living room floor.

I have a gig coming up on the 26th April in a cool bar. I am pleased.

don't wiggle the coat of the psycho what wears it

Love is the good mans politic.

I have found that it is true my friends, when you know someone is a bit edgy, or prone to dodgy comments and a face like they've just chewed on a bag of wasps and lemons - leave it, walk away.

Other than that its a been a good weekend, apart from the fact D's dad is being a total weirdo, and not sticking to arrangements and being massively passive aggressive. I'm learning not to get it get to me to much, to roll my eyes and forget about it.

I want to say Love is everything, that it saves and heals. But I can't. Love for me right now is just something people do. But if Love, was just love, it would not work, if it was just a 'feeling' or an 'emotion'. Love cannot just be love - love is action, love is proven. Love does not sit still and simply feel. Love shows itself in so many ways, or it's not really Love.

No enthusiasm to curb

I actually don't think anyone in the whole universe is reading this.

Jess' birthday this evening, at the Tapas bar. Someone was stabbed round the corner from me last weekend. There are flowers there now. Poor guy. no one deserves that. I don't know if they caught is murderer yet. I do resent these people with knives who actually WANT trouble. sick.

if no one is reading it, I'll still write, Writers NEED to write, no matter what.

FiddleDeeDee

Ambivalent about it all. Need to do more, but not sure how.


Went to my aunts' 60th at the weekend, and wore this lovely silk dress which i cinched up with a belt, hot pink sling backs, and a petite little cardigan - I did look good. The buffet was delicious. My aunt Mary came back to mine and we sat up and drank some vodka, and shared some secrets.

My mum sent me a text this morning saying she had bumped into the lady (blue eyebrows) who she also knows as a co-parent from my kid brother's school back when, and she said, that I had 'lights in my eyes' which put lights in my ears to hear it so.

Anyway, bumped into Sahid in Newcross with his girl friend i assume, as they were holding hands. He never told us...he enjoyed the attention i expect, and thought telling us would ruin it : ) Well, we chatted for a minute and mentioned us all catching up.

D is staying with Alice tonight as I have to be up and off to Eltham early.

ChewingFlum

That is what D calls Chewing Gum, chewingflum.

We had a nice lunch, salmon fingers and rice and a variety of peas and beans.

I am feeling so restless.

My nephew Joel is 11 today.

An Appetite for Mischief

Here i am at 08:47 at my Laptop, just finished a wholemeal pancake. I should be bustling about getting us ready to leave at 8:55 but D woke me up at around 6 something this morning. It gets light earlier now and he thinks it's morning. It's doing my head in though. I am so tired. I went to bed quite early last night too.

Yesterday we had a laugh though, me and D. Playing this game where I hold him in the air with my feet, so he can be an aeroplane, or turning him around and around on the end of my feet, so he can be a helicopter. He was in a mischievous mood yesterday, and was adorably cheeky.

Better go.

_____

Back. D went into the classroom happily when he saw his little friend Mario. I am shattered.

The Colour of no money

Saturday I met up with ed and Damien, and they were hungry, so we headed through the usual touristy bustle to McDonalds, and i gave them both these Mc-vouchers I had. Even though i am supposed to be vegetarian now, i found myself ordering a quarter pounder with cheese. I also found myself trying to ignore the moo-feel that i get when i eat beef.

later, what with D away with his daddy, i bought a bottle of vodka with some of the money i had left and headed down to New Cross to meet Jane who was DJing.

for not the first, second or even third time in my life, i was the queen of the pool table - men were queuing up to beat me, simply because they couldn't believe a blonde was dominating the table for so long, seeing off men left right and centre and potting and placing superbly.

Jane, Karen and i also met this guy, Sahid. It all started when Jane and I went to the bar to order some soda water and lime with which to pour the vodka i had bought into. He was at the bar writing away. I didn't pay much attention, even when Jane said he was alright looking, but then for no reason did this thing where i slapped the bar to make the page of his book flick upward. After that whenever he tried to press it down it wouldn't stay down, so there must have been a breeze in there anyway, and that's how we all got talking. He said he liked soda and lime too. I said it was better with vodka, as he ordered himself a soda and lime. We walked off.

Then Jane and me stopped and conferred, and i don't remember who suggested it, but we nominated her to offer him a shot of vodka in his drink. He acquiesced, and that was that, we all hang out together that night, me and him taking to the pool table, following which i beat him twice, (but he was quite a good player), and he proceeded to watch me play and cheer me on as i thrashed a group of Romanians, one by one, who were staying in the hostel upstairs.

Anyway, Jane said she found him sexy, Sahid that is, and I said, I don't. Karen said she did, but i didn't get it. Meanwhile, one of the Romanian guys kept coming back for more, and with each shot huddled, crouched and discussed with his friends the best way to take a shot - that was how much he needed to beat me. He never did. Well not that game. He told me he had his own cue. Don't they all?

Then Some other guy came on, I noticed he had a deformed hand, but he was good and quite confident to start with. Sahid and I joked that if I took my cardi off, to reveal my sheer blouse underneath, he would go ga-ga and lose, it wasn't personal to him, just an idea, the funny thing was, not long after i took it off, he potted the black in the middle of the game and lost. Who knows. Then this Chinese guy came on, and when he potted the white, suddenly threw his pool cue down on the table, and stormed off shaking his head, grimacing but amused, amidst a hail of laughter. It was odd. He was one of the better players. Anyway, for this game I'd put my cardi back on, what with the fact whenever I looked up, there was a set of hungry eyes gleaming in my direction from some shadow or light spot in the bar.

Finally after all the vodka plus the ones Karen bought, i lost interest in pool, and lost on the black with a silly shot, handing it (with some relief) over to my manic opponent, who in his desperation to win, had run upstairs to get his very own black pool cue. He made some reference to it, as if to say that was why he was doing so well, but he was doing so well cause i was drunk, and a little tired. One of his friends, who said he was from Chile, then Italy, but actually had rather Eastern European burr to his voice, told me he knew that I had let his friend win, and that I was very talented and had lovely 'white skin', and that Sahid was lucky to have me as a friend. Sahid, it turned out, was staying upstairs and knew the guys, and he told me that while they were a bit seedy, they were alright. And Sahid said to me when I came off the table, 'I don't want to play him, I wanna play the winner - you', which I liked. So Sahid played the manic Romanian, who had given me a (greatly relieved and assured) kiss on the cheek after beating me. Anyway, Sahid beat him.

The bands had been coming on and off all night, and some were just too loud for me, I prefer gentler stuff, but Jane and Karen were also DJing a loud guitary DJ set, and Sahid really loved it. Jane promised she'd put on Amy Winehouses 'wake up alone' for me, which she did at the end when the lights went up, and to which I danced and mimed away to. By the end of the evening me and Jane had both given Sahid a peck on the lips at his great surprise, and not that he wasn't a great bloke or anything, but it was because of the booze, I mean this is exactly what it does - alcohol can add eroticism, or sensuality where previously there had been none - before I leant in taking him by surprise and planting a soft mwa on his lips, I'd just knocked back a slammer. And I'd honestly not fancied him. It was funny, I think he found us quite a surprise, but he sent me a text saying we'd made his night by the time I had got home.

the next day on Mother's day, I was alone, 'cause Dylan was with his dad, But that was cool 'cause I spoke to him on the phone. I had a few drinks on my own, watched Shallow Hall on TV and fell into a deep rewarding slumber.

It is early in the morning, well, 09:27. But D first roused me at something like 06:00 a.m! I was devastated to be pulled like a miserable tortoise from a rather fascinating dream. It was literally torture trying to beg him not to roll over my back, or wiggle me with his feet. Eventually we went downstairs and I lay on the sofa and put a cartoon on for him. But then D announced that he wanted ice-cream. Though I had planned to make us semi-whole-meal pancakes for breakfast, this seemed a great idea, so very weak and weary I got him a bowl of ice cream and he was the happiest little boy ever.

Then i decided to have an espresso, beucase its just too cruel to try and rest, but be continually needed in some way. I am now about to tuck into another and feel a little more able to prance about as is the way on Saturday mornings with my little jumping bean D. He is right now sitting on the little side table eating an apple. Me too, at my desk. Crunch.

Anyway, yesterday, early evening, before Janey came round, while it was still light, but pushing to dusk, I looked at the washing machine still half wrapped up in its polywhatsitcalled and plastic.

Damn you, I thought, I can do this. So I made myself a fierce coffee and felt my IQ rise a notch or 20, and then, like a little barbarian, I just went for the washing machine with new found determination thinking, there are only so many wires and so many sockets, & I realised the only thing that holds me back (or anyone) is the misnomer that someone else knows how to do it, but never you.
When i had finished connecting bits, I lay on the floor and pushed the bastard into its nook with my feet. Then later Mark my neighbour who is a plumber by trade popped in as planned to check i had done it OK, or to see what i needed, he said it was put together fine.

He just needed to use some special plumber tape to keep the grey pipe plugged into the sink pipe and a few other finishing touches. But truly, i was the main plumber on that job.

He told me that the reason the machines are so heavy is cause they have concrete at the top and the bottom, plus, he told me you have to make sure the grey tube is higher than the sink so that the shitty water from washing up don't run into the washing machine - so now I feel that I could set up and install any washing machine any where in the land.

So anyway, Janey arrived, just as Mark was finishing, with a little bag with V&C in it, and he told us this chilling story, while sipping on a can of V&C we had just passed him (Urban myth he said, but could be true).

WELL...his friend, had a friend (o'course!) who went to stay in the village of Glastonbury with his mates, to take mushrooms together. They all went on a walk, and they got nutted, one of them getting too nutted, so they said to him, Go Back to the house. So he did. A little while later, he called them frantic, saying, 'you won't believe this but i found a fairy, a little fairy! come back!'

When they got back, the guy was cut and scratched and torn. But he was ecstatic with excitement, and said, look, look, and opened the cupboard to reveal a little midget woman he had abducted from the bus stop on his way back.

not just a plumber then eh? But friend of a friend of a very disturbed friend.

Bye

Paper Planes

Listening to the MIA song. It's so good. I wonder if i shall ever hate it? It is sometimes possible to go off stuff you once loved.

D is happy, playing with his cars in this lovely afternoon, daffodil toned light, so kindred with the season.

Jane is round later, no doubt V&Cs and stuff.

Still found no one to do my washing machine, but i think next door man will do it for me, if i do the right smile at the right time, with the just right amount of sweetness in it, and just the right amount of wily-ness. : )

My new washing machine has arrived, and now all I have to do is find someone to help me install it. The drop-off men were gonna do it, then said I didn't have the right parts, and one of them also said 'if i break dahn rahnd 'ere I ain't gonna drop in and borrah yuh tools', about my little tool box, with its poxy little screw drivers in it, and useless bits and bobs. I suppose it would be useful to a mouse wanting to make a stowaway raft if there is ever a flood in the kitchen.

Anyway off to Alice's to baby sit, so her and Danny can go together to his gig tonight. It will be quite fun actually cause Alice's eldest who is nearly 11 is a laugh, and we get the giggles, especially last time when I opened this so called ready made pancake mix and added the amount of milk needed, but the pancakes ended up being rubbery dough balls. I actually served one up to Joel for a joke. But it was funny and I was doubled up laughing as I served it to him.

Proud Mummy

I have written something that i mentioned already, so i am going to write about something that i havent. I am really happy because D's nursery teacher told me he has amazing focus, and sees his little creative projects through to the end, and that he is good on their class room computer. Also he is a loyal friend, because when his mate was told off and asked to sit in a chair, D took a another chair and sat next to him. Ahhh : ) He is so clever, and sweet and kind and funny.

Just gave D his bath, and we played this game, where i pour water from high up, and say 'here comes the waterful', and he has to dodge the stream of water. He loves it, and shrieks and giggles. We also made soap cakes and pies with all the bubbles.

It was a lovely weekend. My dad's party went well. First we were at the pub, where we had the back room,

then later, after pub closing we all ended up back at my dadnmums house drinking rose till 5 am, even my dear little grandpa. My mum and aunt also braved the pre-dawn hours. Anyway, the evening was good and even though i felt quite drunk by 3 am i just wanted to stay up drinking and talking, and there was Dan, Sean (18) and Old Sean (about 60 and my dads best school mate) and Antony my uncle, as well as the others i mentioned, who stayed up and boozed on.Young Sean was so sweet, he produced a fiver to pay for my cab home, when at about 5ish when I decided it was time to go. I had asked my mum for a pair of trainers to swap my black peep toe slip ons with, to walk home in. She produced a bran new pair of white Nike's, which was quite cool, and I am going to use them to walk Dylan to school today. Sean was kind, and that's exactly what Damien did for me at his b'day party recently. They all know i am a little broke at the mo.

Well in the cab i remember the driver telling me he was from Afghanistan, and asked me what i thought about the place and if i would go there. I said maybe not at the moment. When i got in, he called me from his phone, (the number he called on to say he was outside) and i picked up, but he had hung up. God knows what he wanted, in fact it was probably an accident.

The next day i slept as much as i could. I could see and feel that it was a beautiful day outside, and i thought how lovely it was as the breeze twirled in through the open window across my dozing face.

I am off to the V&A museum now with J. Looking forward to a lovely day.

XXXXX

Mango Baby

Just made pancakes for me and D. Just what i needed - that with a nice coffee. Caned off a whole bottle of rose last night while I watched some comic relief stuff, and the children dying of Malaria in Africa had been in tears.

I don't really feel hungover, but as D woke me up at 6.40 am, i do feel tired. Being a full time single mummy is draining but yet it has been worth every broken nights sleep (every night! 0 ) ) and the nearly two mile walk to school every morning, back home again, school again, home. It keeps me fit - all of it, the whole mummy game. Now I feel ready to move on to my career aspirations once again, and have applied to do volunteer work to get me started. I am also doing a little set soon with Dan on jazz guitar, we are a really good team. Dan is my brother. I am so happy cause i thought i had lost my way with the music, but now i see it's not so much a jazz band i need, but to sing, and with the simplest of accompaniments, though Dan's style is both simple and intricate, he is good.

D off to his dad's this evening. Now I could go out later and film the other Danny's gig as he did ask me - my sister will be on one Camera me on the other, it might be nice to do it, but the thing is I am tired and feel that a night on the sofa, watching TV will be so lovely.

It's my dad's b'day tomorrow. Got no money to get him a gift, so I'll make him something, or draw something, maybe. Though i love a drink, not sure i should bother tonight. Still that rose last night went down well, it so did.

But getting up at 6.40 is toooooo early. But D is so sweet and cute and soft and funny first thing in the morning, he just makes me smile straight away, unless he is ripping my eye lids open and i am beyond knackered.

he is my mango baby. x x x

watched some TV last night, had a few sips of V&C. The Jordan interview with P Morgan was actually quite captivating. She looked like a princess but talked like a balcony bird on a block of flats. I turned the sound of to see the effect, and she looked charming. Regal. Enough about her.

This morning i took 'a turn' around the area, and went into Waterstones to check out this book that was recommended to me, but actually wasn't quite right. Then as i came out, a light rain was falling and i walked along in it, feeling nice.

Just had some egg on toast, with fishfingers, now i am practically vegitarian, the one thing i do adore is fish. Cod, salmon (not the slobbery stuff) tuna, mackeral, haddock, pollack and anchovies with avocado and dressing.

The Class was....a little demading on my attention, at times it was like sitting at the back of the classroom, most of it done in real time, and i really felt fidgety, don't think i was in the right mood for it. It was way too long. Many of the grey haired couples in the cinema were blown away by it. Me, i need something more hellish than that.

Day did a gig last night, and it was Alice's birthday, we combined the two and it was a laugh. Alice fell into one of the musicians while he was doing his set. Well, that's what it's all about.

We played pool, drank rose, vodka and tequila - Ali and me got chatted up loads, well there wasn't much totty in the bar, mostly geezers standing in huddles - but I like being appreciated, unless my admirer has crap all over his teeth, and onion odour, that's not so enriching.

Well, my baby boy is at this dads till tomorrow, so i am enjoying some blissful time to myself. I am gonna go and see 'the class' at 3 o'clock. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Wonder

I like pancakes. : )

William's nan's on my my money

Jane came round last night, and we had some V&Cs and watched TV. TV is very shit sometimes.
After she left, I stayed up to watch H20 which was more entertaining than when I saw it in the cinema. I found it really satisfying in some ways, and a bit tense because really, this idea of a man in a mask slicing and stabbing people is not at all far removed from what actually happens sometimes out there, there are some sick bastards who do the most disgusting things to people. So that made me feel a bit ill, but as a movie, it wasn't brilliant. The original, now that was truly chilling. I like horror films that involve stuff that is hard to accept, Ghosts etc, vampires. However, I watched 28 days later for a bit the other night, and for some reason, there was something about how it began, with the monkeys screaming in their cages, and then the infection, and the riots that turned to mass wipe out, that seemed horribly plausible, and I thought, God imagine. I don't usually think that with zombie films, however scary they may be, I think, well at least that will never happen. Anyway, a good idea would be to herd them all into one place, using a bit of bait, say someone evil from prison who has hurt children, and then douse the zombies with mass amounts of petrol and burn them. Anyway, after Halloween, I watched a documentary about the sun and nuclear fusion, and how if we were able to create a star on earth we would never want for energy, or waste fossil fuel again.

Dylan got me up this morning at 7.30 am, that's no good for a Saturday, but he is so beautiful, I don't really mind, and i made him pancakes for breakfast, and he was so damn lovely eating them with his little tousled head and tiny pink lips.

I've been reading the Saturday papers on line, I really can't face going out yet, it's one of those bland February days that I have never liked.

X

I am sad.
Feel sad.
Not totally sure why.
Just do.

Good 'Norning'

That's how my son says it, 'Good Norning' - adorable.

Yes, this no booze in the evening time is working OK for me. I suppose the allure for me is the fact that my own day, one that is not taken up with child care, starts after Dylan goes to bed. But for the moment, I am gonna have a roll up, drink my tea and go to bed nice and early. I am gonna do this for a while to see if it makes me feel happier. And I am definitly not giving up wine for ever, I love the stuff. I just want to learn how to have the one, as opposed to the one after the other. And as for the Government guidelines, they can screw off, they are out of control with some of their ideas.

A Goddess' touch

You can tell that the season is changing. On Saturday, after I had dropped off D with his dad, I came home and felt that hopeful bounce on the heels of the day, and as it turned to evening I looked out of my kitchen window at the sky, where streams of clouds lay against the fresh evening hue. It was as though a Goddess had trailed her finger tips in coral pink stardust and then ran them lazily, dreamily through a pool of dawn blue water.

I walked over to my parents after that, and took my washing to do. When there I had a few glasses of rose. Daniel filmed me doing DraculaGirl , where I appeared to glide across the floor towards him, with my arms out, and a black cloak over my head - but I was actually on a skateboard. It was funny. We all giggled alot.

Last night Damien did a stunning gig at the NewCross Inn, this guy was mad about it. Damien was amazing. This bloke just went on and on about it. But I was damn proud. His harmonica playing was better than Bob Dylan's and his singing was sweet like Chet Baker yet raw and honest like Cash.

There was also a band on called Japanese Pop Children - all male, infact, really sweet, but they weren't children. I spoke to them before they went on, and produced my one line of Japanese for them, which they loved. Ed and me played pool, he just beat me - he realised I was winning and put in his best moves. Anyway, I didn't drink, except for one lone shot of tequila to go with the pool, but that ammount wouldnt even make my little finger boogie. Booze - I am off it at the moment...

washing windows

D and I have just had a lot of fun washing the front door and windows with lots of soapy water. Shame the drain is blocked because we were paddling around in soap and stuff, maybe I will chuck some borax down it, then again, my neighbour who plumbs mentioned doing something about it...D is watching Spongebob now. I am on my tenth white tea (as in Green tea, but younger).

well tonight, we are in together with the TV and I think once D is in bed, I'll watch Brick Lane at 9, and 'retire' to my bed nice and early, if the film don't agree with me.

Tomorrow there is one film left that I still need to see, The Wrestler...I did like Mickey Rourke in Rumblefish, he has changed a bit though ha ha.

vodka and pool

we went along to see Damien in a gig in Camberwell. I had a few vodkas, and felt quite pissed actually. So at the end of Damien's set, I was up next for pool, played and then stayed on because I beat this guy, and then this next guy got up to play, and he had bought his own cue, but soon I was potting mine, and he was missing, and I sensed that he was angry, I mean when he took a shot, he pulled back and his cue smashed my glass to pieces, and it was filled with V&C and when I showed him he just shrugged. So my mum, dad and brothers and Sean on the other side of the place, had said they wanted to go soon, so I walked off, too drunk to give a shit, but sober enough to walk straight and feel o.k. And then this guy with two crucifixes around his neck, two staf dogs, i think they were, said something to me, he reminded me, maybe, that he was meant to have played me in stead of the drink smashing guy. Oh yeah - he had gone out to smoke this joint, but i forgot and didn't care anyway. Then we were just staring at each other, not in a nice way, but he wanted to intimidate me and i thought, no i don't think so...and I thought, is he going to glass me? and then i thought I'll be ready, ill block him and smash his face!!!!! And then, i guess i thought fuck it, and walked on. I am too sweet to caught up in this kind of ugly mad shit, but i cant stand being picked on. Anyway, my brother was amazing up on stage, but next time, i might not bother entering the pool games when its all blokes, testosterone and stuff. Nah.

Black, no milk

I bumped into the lady I sometimes chat to in Costa, she told me that my voice was 'gently energetic' and that I had 'verve', I liked that and I considered staying to hear more, but when she winked I knew she was going to turn back to her writing, and she did, with her mass of rich grey and white hair shrouding her secretive face and her electric blue eyebrows.

Hmm

Tiscali offer the worst customer service I have ever encountered in my life, and that's saying something.

street wind blowin' in me face

Just got dropped off by Dan following Damien's gig which was wicked. I got bought loads of wine 'cause I am skint, and they just flowed. And there was a moment, when the candle light, sent a sharp glow of its sweet tear drop shape across my fingers, so I turned my palm to catch it, and it was as if I had captured in my hand a little light-fairy, and I showed Ed, 'look what I have caught' and it was so bright and crisp I could see the design of my very hand where-ever she lay. Beautiful. And on the way back, I rolled down the window cause they were smoking and it was heavy in the car, and the wind blew hard on my face and it was gorgeous, and I just grinned into the air and the street that whizzed by so beautifully

funny valentine

I have decided that i want a valentine card from a sexy gorgeous man with a sensitive soul, but strong and able to do a man's job when necessary. : )
I don't go out much these days so there will be NO chance of that.

I will make a little card for D. I love D best in all the world. Right now he is fast asleep on the sofa, with his dinosaur book, two little aeroplanes, and he has rested his head on his two tiny joined hands.

HEART.

Hi

I was so tired when I woke up this morning, really not in the mood to get out.

We had lots of wine, well not tons, but enough, at my mum and dad's last night, and Mel was there, and we had this lovely cod thing in tomato and pepper sauce.

Might sleep if I can.

sore eyes

just been cutting up a red onion.

D is watching the hungry caterpillar.

My washing machine is broken.

Bollox.

need to visit free cycle.

Beautiful Boy

yesterday evening in the sprinkling rain we went out, D was peddling away over the shimmering pavements and it was the most beautiful thing that I have laid my eyes on in a long time. I followed close behind him with my umbrella, and we went through Greenwich and the rain was so nice over our heads, so clean and enlivening. It did get a bit farcical when D decided to abandon the bike and run and jump, and then wouldnt get back on it, so we terminated the mission and went home, but I am so happy to see him get such vigorous exercise. Later I had a few little glasses of wine after we did the bed time stories and he fell asleep on my lap in the glowing lamp light. I read lots more of the Madonna book, and then watched a bit of a De Niro movie before realising it was late and we had to be up early.

D is watching some kids stuff. I am a tiny bit restless, it's raining and that's quite nice, but feel like I want to do lots but I am quite sure what - all my best work is in neat stacks, my website has become a museum piece - I need something new to plunge myself into.

Reading a Madonna book which i got from the charity shop for 50p, but its so very interesting and entertaining. She has definitely never given up being as driven and exacting as she started out to be.

Had pomegranate bits with yogurt not long ago - nice.

Saw Vicky Christina Barcelona yesterday, that was interesting and enjoyable too.

I like my hair blonde again. It's great. Very light.

It's been interesting snowing you

When I walked through the park on Monday night, there was a lilac haze in the air above the whitened ground, between the black trees and silhouettes of people moving about, playing, pulling sledges. The packed snowfall must magnify sound, it must contain it somehow - all the laughter, and movement seemed as close as if it were inside - there was no wind, just this strange sound of people in the snow. I saw the world's hugest snowball, it'll take forever to melt. It has been a very nice and very interesting time. I saw Slumdog Millionaire at the weekend, me and J- shed a few tears. And then I saw Milk - a brilliant film, and Doubt - amazing acting and stuff like that.

Delicate as gossamer
Tough as Hadrian's wall
Fuck with me
I'll cry so hard
Then, i'll break you all

Don't wine!

polished off a bottle of wine last night, so easy to do : ) what about tonight when D is in bed, and the silence looms, and the glass twinkles in the cupboard, Eastenders on catch up......

who knows, Lucy is here looking good. She is pregnant, first time. Oh boy. I am not telling her what she is really in for hahahahhaha!!

For dinner we had chips, salmon (fish fingers for D) and broad beans. Delicious, especially with cayenne pepper and garlic dancing about in there. Anyway, waiting for Lucy to turn up, think we'll have a chat about whatever is going on or whatever isn't.

D is being V.V.V.V.V.V hyper at the moment, he just quite deliberately threw a toy at me, narrowly missing the space between my eyes. What am I supposed to do when he does this, as he occasionally does? show him i don't like it by giving him the cold vibe for half an hour? Smack him? Tell him once again I don't like it? oh well, we'll figure it out - Just smacked my fucking elbow on the radiator as i stretched out, and little D asked me what was the matter, because i yelled in the most ugly way, and then he asked me if i was hurt, and - HA?! apparently he has just bashed his own arm and yelled out exactly like I did, actually that's so sweet and funny, I kissed his arm better, he mine. All good.

Went to the dentist today; don't like it. But then what's to like?
Went to Starbucks too, and had a panini, t'was nice. Picked up D from nursery, laughed out loud to myself as we walked over the bridge because I remembered something very very funny - to me. I am about to take Dylan for his tricycle ride in the park, this will be fun...i like the freshness and he likes the speeding along. Its the most pretty sight to see.

Ah, mum has just turned up, time to leave

Which came first....

Evil, or madness?

I have been getting depression for years, but every time a particularly powerful wave of it lifts me off my feet, by the time I know what's hit me, i am left spinning, gasping for air on some craggy, none the less, dry-ish, rock...but the waves still lick at my toes and tell me they will be back for more....

I am reading tons of books to D every day and night, he needs more stimulation, new words and images than ever before, and I am taking him for bike rides at 5pm - he loves pedaling along the pavements, as fast as he can, and when we get back we have dinner together, and he is so exhausted he goes straight to sleep on the sofa, for about 7pm, if not we do more stories; Thomas the Tank engine; the Tiger who came to tea; Penguin; the Bear snores on; Stomp Chomp Big Roars Here Come the Dinosaurs; We're Going on a Bear Hunt and so on. Nursery is going really well for him too, he is loving the freedom of playtime, and running about with the children.

no title nothing

I am so fucking depressed I just wanna kill myself. Not joking my head is a black mess, and I can see it all dissipating again into that mad pain that gets me. I am never gonna make it out of this hell, never gonna get where I want to be, I am not getting anywhere with publishers or finding a jazz band. It's shit, what am i doing? Its been too, too, too long. here I am being a mum, its meant to be so worthy, and it is, but to be the best mum ever i need more. A part of me is dying inside. I am going dark in my head again. I just want a way out of this, and i cant see it today. My brain is alive, alive, alive with thoughts and ideas, and beautiful work, and good music and yet I am alone and no one can hear me screaming, or see me. I am Invisible. I'll die this way won't I? I give up. I really do. I am poor, broken, depressed and finally just don't want to do it anymore.