Delicate as gossamer
Tough as Hadrian's wall
Fuck with me
I'll cry so hard
Then, i'll break you all

Don't wine!

polished off a bottle of wine last night, so easy to do : ) what about tonight when D is in bed, and the silence looms, and the glass twinkles in the cupboard, Eastenders on catch up......

who knows, Lucy is here looking good. She is pregnant, first time. Oh boy. I am not telling her what she is really in for hahahahhaha!!

For dinner we had chips, salmon (fish fingers for D) and broad beans. Delicious, especially with cayenne pepper and garlic dancing about in there. Anyway, waiting for Lucy to turn up, think we'll have a chat about whatever is going on or whatever isn't.

D is being V.V.V.V.V.V hyper at the moment, he just quite deliberately threw a toy at me, narrowly missing the space between my eyes. What am I supposed to do when he does this, as he occasionally does? show him i don't like it by giving him the cold vibe for half an hour? Smack him? Tell him once again I don't like it? oh well, we'll figure it out - Just smacked my fucking elbow on the radiator as i stretched out, and little D asked me what was the matter, because i yelled in the most ugly way, and then he asked me if i was hurt, and - HA?! apparently he has just bashed his own arm and yelled out exactly like I did, actually that's so sweet and funny, I kissed his arm better, he mine. All good.

Went to the dentist today; don't like it. But then what's to like?
Went to Starbucks too, and had a panini, t'was nice. Picked up D from nursery, laughed out loud to myself as we walked over the bridge because I remembered something very very funny - to me. I am about to take Dylan for his tricycle ride in the park, this will be fun...i like the freshness and he likes the speeding along. Its the most pretty sight to see.

Ah, mum has just turned up, time to leave

Which came first....

Evil, or madness?

I have been getting depression for years, but every time a particularly powerful wave of it lifts me off my feet, by the time I know what's hit me, i am left spinning, gasping for air on some craggy, none the less, dry-ish, rock...but the waves still lick at my toes and tell me they will be back for more....

I am reading tons of books to D every day and night, he needs more stimulation, new words and images than ever before, and I am taking him for bike rides at 5pm - he loves pedaling along the pavements, as fast as he can, and when we get back we have dinner together, and he is so exhausted he goes straight to sleep on the sofa, for about 7pm, if not we do more stories; Thomas the Tank engine; the Tiger who came to tea; Penguin; the Bear snores on; Stomp Chomp Big Roars Here Come the Dinosaurs; We're Going on a Bear Hunt and so on. Nursery is going really well for him too, he is loving the freedom of playtime, and running about with the children.

no title nothing

I am so fucking depressed I just wanna kill myself. Not joking my head is a black mess, and I can see it all dissipating again into that mad pain that gets me. I am never gonna make it out of this hell, never gonna get where I want to be, I am not getting anywhere with publishers or finding a jazz band. It's shit, what am i doing? Its been too, too, too long. here I am being a mum, its meant to be so worthy, and it is, but to be the best mum ever i need more. A part of me is dying inside. I am going dark in my head again. I just want a way out of this, and i cant see it today. My brain is alive, alive, alive with thoughts and ideas, and beautiful work, and good music and yet I am alone and no one can hear me screaming, or see me. I am Invisible. I'll die this way won't I? I give up. I really do. I am poor, broken, depressed and finally just don't want to do it anymore.